Small Changes Make Big Differences

In the 16 years I've had type 1 diabetes, I can't honestly say that there's been a lot I can be proud of regarding it.  Sometimes I feel like living with type 1 diabetes is kind of like watching the news; the information you're fed from it can be pretty negative.  A few times a week my glucose meter shows me a blood sugar reading I don't like. When I was 12 years old I had to increase the amount of injections I was taking from three a day to four. Once I had a virus which caused ketoacidosis so I had to spend a night in hospital and, this time last year, I received a letter informing me that I had developed background retinopathy.

It's probably fair to say I was sad about it, because sometimes knowing that you've damaged yourself and caused your own pain is equally as upsetting as feeling like you don't deserve the circumstance you've found yourself in. I cried about it, blogged about it and eventually came to the realisation that things needed to change.

I started carb counting when I knew that I could, completely stopped skipping injections altogether and started testing my blood sugars more regularly.  To begin with it felt like a battle and I just wanted to cook my potatoes without having to weigh them first and some days I wanted to leave the restaurant without having to give my insulin before I could get on the bus home, but I didn't.  After a while the changes were no longer changes, they were the norm and the battle was no longer a battle, it was a healthy routine.

Three weeks ago I went for my first diabetic retinopathy screening and yesterday I came home to a letter.  I opened it cautiously, as though something was going to jump out of the envelope, and took a deep breath before beginning to read the text.  To my absolute delight, I discovered that my retinas appear completely normal and they have healed to a good standard!  I flung my arms around my boyfriend, who has been so supportive with all aspects of my diabetes management, and cried tears of complete and utter joy.

In the 16 years I've had type 1 diabetes, I can't honestly say that there's been a lot I can be proud of regarding it, but this is one of the things where I can say that I am.  Sometimes living with type 1 diabetes is like watching the news, but I suppose that only makes the good things seem even better!

Day 27: Trials and Triumphs of T1

5 challenges:

1)  Doing my injections - I think this is one of the main challenges for most diabetics.  For me it's not because they hurt or I'm scared of needles, but because sometimes I just don't want to. Sometimes I feel I'm too busy, or I'm not in the right environment, or I just want to be non-diabetic for a day or two.

2)  Going to endo appointments -  I don't struggle as much with attending these anymore, but they used to feel like the bane of my life.  It didn't even matter that I only had to go every 3months in the paediatric clinic, just the thought of the whole ordeal would fill me with dread. Because I wasn't taking care of my diabetes properly, I hated finding out what my HbA1c was, having my insulin doses adjusted and being asked if I'd been recording my blood sugars, when I only ever felt that I was disappointing my diabetes team and myself when I hadn't.  The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my diabetes, when I was simply wishing it would disappear.

3)  Glucotabs and Lucozade - Because I've had diabetes since being really young, I've never acquired a sweet tooth.  I find anything that's really sugary to be absolutely repulsive.  However, two of the best quick-acting hypo treatments are Glucotabs and Lucozade.  Chocolate bars and cookies are appealing, but they won't raise your bg's quickly because of the fat in them and the way they are digested.  Glucotabs are the easiest to carry around with you and Lucozade is usually the easiest to get hold of in an emergency.   Convenient?  Yes.  Tasty?  No.  Sometimes I have to force myself to drink Lucozade or shove Glucotabs down my neck, even if I'm really low.

4)  Going for my retinopathy screening - Everytime I go, I work myself into such a frenzy.  Not only do I absolutely despise eye-drops, but I worry so much about what the results are going to be.  As soon as the screening is complete and they have the photos, I always hastily ask if they look ok, my voice quivering.  Sometimes I wonder if I should even go, but then I have to remind myself that ignorance isn't bliss.

5)  Doing the right thing -  I've often wrote about how diabetes doesn't give you a choice.  You have to do injections, test your blood etc.  However, I've realised that the thing that actually makes diabetes hard sometimes is that we do have a choice.  If I don't want to test my blood sugar, or give my insulin or treat my hypos I don't have to.  Although I know there will be horrendous long-term complications, sometimes it just feels easier not to at the time. So, for me, making the choice to do the right thing for my diabetes can be the biggest challenge of all.

5 victories:

1)  Doing the DAFNE program - Those on my diabetes team know that trying to just get me on it was like trying to make a sheep 'moo' for a long time.  I didn't want to know because 1. I was dubious that anything could be so amazing that it would massively improve my management and 2. I generally wasn't interested in anything that involved diabetes.  However after months of persuasion and going on and on about it, I did DAFNE.  They weren't lying, it was amazing.  I met some wonderful people and learned so much.  My HbA1c has improved significantly since doing DAFNE and I would recommend it to every diabetic.

2)  Talking to others about my diabetes - I used to be useless.  I'd get embarrassed and shy away from any situation which meant I'd have to reveal that I have diabetes.  That often meant that I'd end up in some sticky situations.  I'm not like that anymore.  I've come to realise that my diabetes is part of me and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

3)  Testing my blood - Estimating how much insulin I needed to give myself by seeing how high/low I felt at the time was never a good technique.  I did this most days for a couple of years and I regard myself as being lucky for not being riddled with diabetes complications as a punishment for my stupidity.  

4)  Carb counting - Hit and miss, hit and miss.  I was like that for years. I never really took notice as to why carb counting was so important and so, in my ignorance, rarely bothered to do it.  Nowadays, there isn't one packet of crisps or chocolate bar with unread nutritional information.  There isn't one rice dish or bowl of pasta that goes unweighed.  There isn't one place that I don't take my Carbs&Cals book.  My boyfriend and I even cook our potatoes/spaghetti/whatever in separate pans, just so we know I'm going to bolus correctly.  Some may say it's excessive, but I know I'm doing the right thing.

5)  Blogging - I see 'Diabetic Dais' and my Diabetes UK blog as victories because of how much writing them improves my diabetes control.  The more I write about diabetes, the more I focus on it and the better my blood sugars are!  Not only that, but I've met some beautiful diabetics through writing my blogs, who I wouldn't necessarily have had the pleasure of talking to if I didn't rant and ramble on like I do!

Day 5: Not Mother Nature, But Something Of Meaning

To most people this image will mean and represent very little.  When I first saw it, I'll be honest, I was clueless as to what it was.  I thought it was perhaps the naked branches of a tree, in front of the moonlight in a red sky.  It's not.  In fact it's nothing of the sort; it's the photograph of the first stage of Diabetic Background Retinopathy.  As much as I appreciate the beauty of mother nature, the image meant much more to me, knowing what it really was and realising that I do not want my eyes to look like this.

Retinal Rage and Making Mistakes

Last week wasn't the best.  Unfortunately new-found knowledge managed to put a downer on the majority of my days.  I'm now ready to blog about it and perhaps vent my frustrations about the current circumstance regarding my diabetes.  Apologies in advance, just in case.


I try to maintain a positive mind-set about my diabetes.  I acknowledge that there are far worse diseases to have and much more unfortunate situations to be in.  I also respect that diabetes, when well managed, doesn't have to compromise your general health or lifestyle.  That's why it just about broke my heart when I received a letter to inform me that I have developed background retinopathy.


Being told this at the age of 19 isn't what I wanted to hear, to say the least.  I felt upset of course...so upset that I bawled my eyes out for about an hour.  Most of all I felt angry.  Angry that I'm 19 and I have background retinopathy, angry that I feel like I've tried so hard for 15 years to control my diabetes well, but more than anything else I was angry with myself for, what felt like, obviously not doing enough.


I find that there's a lot of guilt involved in diabetes.  I recently read a fantastic post from Meagan Esler at Diabetes Health that confirmed this to me.  I end up feeling guilty if my bg's are too high or too low or if my HbA1c isn't the percentage it should be and I feel guilty that my loved ones are affected by it almost as much as I am.  If I let it, the guilt surrounding my retinopathy could probably consume me.  I feel awful that I've allowed those ketones to even exist, let alone harm me.


So I spent a week beating myself up about this, but there has to come a time when you stop torturing yourself and give yourself a break.  I deal with the rollercoaster ride that is diabetes management every single day of my life.  Alright, so in the past 15 years there will have been days when I haven't carb counted correctly or I've accidentally given an insulin shot later than I should have done or I've eaten a chocolate bar or two.  Perhaps these mishaps are the causes of my background retinopathy - I'll never know for sure.


I refuse to live my life continually making myself feel bad.  Of course, I am making changes; I'm now trying harder than ever and making even more effort to ensure that my blood sugar levels are balanced.  I just think it's about time that we diabetics cut ourselves a bit of slack.  Why is it that so many of us end up, probably subconsciously, thinking that having diabetes deprives us of something that makes us all human?  No one is perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes and everybody is allowed to...yes diabetics, even you!