Retinal Rage and Making Mistakes

Last week wasn't the best.  Unfortunately new-found knowledge managed to put a downer on the majority of my days.  I'm now ready to blog about it and perhaps vent my frustrations about the current circumstance regarding my diabetes.  Apologies in advance, just in case.


I try to maintain a positive mind-set about my diabetes.  I acknowledge that there are far worse diseases to have and much more unfortunate situations to be in.  I also respect that diabetes, when well managed, doesn't have to compromise your general health or lifestyle.  That's why it just about broke my heart when I received a letter to inform me that I have developed background retinopathy.


Being told this at the age of 19 isn't what I wanted to hear, to say the least.  I felt upset of course...so upset that I bawled my eyes out for about an hour.  Most of all I felt angry.  Angry that I'm 19 and I have background retinopathy, angry that I feel like I've tried so hard for 15 years to control my diabetes well, but more than anything else I was angry with myself for, what felt like, obviously not doing enough.


I find that there's a lot of guilt involved in diabetes.  I recently read a fantastic post from Meagan Esler at Diabetes Health that confirmed this to me.  I end up feeling guilty if my bg's are too high or too low or if my HbA1c isn't the percentage it should be and I feel guilty that my loved ones are affected by it almost as much as I am.  If I let it, the guilt surrounding my retinopathy could probably consume me.  I feel awful that I've allowed those ketones to even exist, let alone harm me.


So I spent a week beating myself up about this, but there has to come a time when you stop torturing yourself and give yourself a break.  I deal with the rollercoaster ride that is diabetes management every single day of my life.  Alright, so in the past 15 years there will have been days when I haven't carb counted correctly or I've accidentally given an insulin shot later than I should have done or I've eaten a chocolate bar or two.  Perhaps these mishaps are the causes of my background retinopathy - I'll never know for sure.


I refuse to live my life continually making myself feel bad.  Of course, I am making changes; I'm now trying harder than ever and making even more effort to ensure that my blood sugar levels are balanced.  I just think it's about time that we diabetics cut ourselves a bit of slack.  Why is it that so many of us end up, probably subconsciously, thinking that having diabetes deprives us of something that makes us all human?  No one is perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes and everybody is allowed to...yes diabetics, even you!

Oh, if there were a cure!

It's National Hope For A Cure For Diabetes Day...so I decided to get creative.

Whilst I was drawing my, what shall we call it...poster?  I started thinking about what I will do when a cure for Diabetes is discovered.  However, I always find this a bit of a tricky idea to conceive.  Because I was diagnosed when I was 3 years old, I don't remember any of the things I did as a non-Diabetic and so I also don't really have much to compare my lifestyle to.  So, instead I did manage to come up with a good few benefits of not having Type 1 Diabetes anymore...


ONE:  Freedom to eat when I like...or not eat if I'm really not hungry


TWO:  Not being concerned about having a hypo when I do exercise, go to the shops, go clubbing, sleep or do anything really.


THREE:   Not having to remember to make sure that I have injections, blood meter, testing strips, finger pricker, hypo treatment etc. if I as much as step out of the front door.


FOUR:   Not having to do mental mathematics every time I eat a bowl of pasta.


FIVE:   Being able to have the normal, mainstream kinds of fears that people have, like a phobia of spiders, rather than being absolutely petrified of one day losing my eye sight or being put on dialysis because of Diabetes.


SIX:   Not having to prick my fingers, stab myself with needles and draw blood from myself every single day, several times a day.


SEVEN:   Waking up in the morning in a bad mood simply because I got up on the wrong side of the bed, rather than because I've woken up feeling dreadful because my blood sugars are sky high and I've got a banging headache.


EIGHT:  Not having to repeatedly explain to the staff at McDonald's that I want a Diet Coke because I'm Diabetic and I have to have Diet Coke or I will be ill. Very ill.  I'd also like the option to choose a full-sugar Coke if I wish.


NINE:   It must be better not to have Diabetes, right? I mean, if you were to ask them, who on earth would actually choose to be Diabetic?  I'm assuming the answer is no one.

Today I am hoping for a cure for a Diabetes.  Today and every day.

If you hope for a cure, please make a donation to Diabetes UK

or the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation

I'll swap my £10 for an Easter Egg

Happy Pancakey Shrove Tuesday guys!

I'm sure there are plenty of diabetics out there who actually dread pancake day.  These are probably the same people who approach other occasions like Christmas and Easter with the same amount of trepidation.  Many people with diabetes, especially those who have had it for a long time, tend to get into particular eating habits because they know it will help them maintain a balanced blood sugar.  Situations that mean breaking this routine can, in some cases, cause blood pressure to rise far higher than my blood sugars would if I were to drink a litre bottle of Lucozade.

As a child I loved Easter.  Back then I was on the menacing Mixtard 30 insulin, which never worked for me.  Being on Mixtard 30 meant several things for me, as I remember: high morning blood sugars, unpredictable lows and definitely no chocolate unless it was to treat the hypo's.  As you can imagine for a child this is never much fun, especially at school break times when your friends have got a tube of Smarties as a snack and instead you've got a couple of rich tea biscuits (not even ginger nuts!)

However at Easter, on the one day anyone would think it would bother me most, it really didn't.  Instead of chocolate eggs, family members would give me presents or money.  Not having a sweet tooth anyway, these were substituted very happily.  Now, if that isn't a perk of having diabetes then I don't know what is!

I like the NovoRapid and Lantus insulins that I am now on.  Taking them means that my lifestyle can be much more flexible with regards to what I eat and when I eat, just as most other background and fast-acting insulin combinations allow for.  Yes, N+L have many perks, except one.  No money at Easter.

Still I know that I'd much rather have the freedom to know that, if I can count the carbs in it and give the right amount of NovoRapid, I can have a dessert if I want to.  I can go and buy an Easter egg and eat it right now and it as long as I check the nutrition guide!  Alright, so there's my entire calorie intake for the day and I'll probably feel sick and I couldn't expect to devour that much glucose without a peak in blood sugars, but that isn't my point.

What I'm trying to say is that I'd swap my £10 for a chocolate egg if it means that I don't have to be consumed by a strict food regime every day of the year.  Having diabetes sucks, but I think it's important not to let it control you.

If you're wondering about whether or not to allow yourself a pancake today because you're worried about what it'll do to your blood sugars, I salute you.  It's good that you're thinking about it.  However...have one, or even two!  You may have diabetes, but you're human too.  Perhaps even sprinkle some sugar on them (go crazy...but carb count and bolus!)  Unless you don't like pancakes or easter eggs of course, in which case you've got 2 choices...ask your family to give you money instead, or have some rich tea biscuits.

Diabetes Hurts...

...literally.

So if we're not stabbing ourselves with needles and lancets every day, then the D is finding other ways to add insult to injury.

This is my thumb stuck in my sharps bin.  I was trying to push my needle into it when it decided to eat my fingertip.  Can't even tell you how much this actually hurt!  Sorry about the bad image, but it's quite hard to take a decent photograph with one hand when you're in pain.

Will take better care next time I think.  Hope you're all well! x

Happy 15th Birthday, Diabetes!

There it is - Date of diagnosis: 13th November 1996.  Happy Birthday 'D'!

Wow, 15 years old.  You're looking good for your age, Diabetes.  I only have a vague recollection of your birth, but since then I think we have created enough memories to last a life time.

We've spent some interesting time together over the years, you and I.  From hospital admissions, to lows on the tops of cliffs with no hypo treatment, to DKA, to emergency prescriptions.  It's safe to say that, with you around Diabetes, there's never a dull moment.

I won't be cracking out the champagne, blowing up any balloons or lighting any candles on a birthday cake, but I celebrate this day nevertheless.  15 years on from diagnosis and we're living pretty harmoniously.  You're part of me and you're here for the long-haul.  Here's to the next however many years...x

Dealing with Diabetes.

This is my first post in a while - DOC, I have missed you!  I'd like to thank everyone who has been checking my blog 'just in case'.  I'm back and I'm back for good.


I'm not going to lie, recently has been one of the strangest, most surreal and probably most difficult times of my life.  Along with the stresses and strains of leaving home and becoming independent, the unexpected passing of a loved one has impacted my ability to cope with my diabetes to a shocking degree.


Even as someone who is usually very dedicated to and knows all too well the importance of trying to keep on top of my diabetes care, once I had begun to neglect it, it wasn't long until things had spiraled completely out of control.


Currently, my life seems to consist of bouncing around between horrifically high and worryingly low blood sugar levels.  It gets to a point where you dread testing because you know the number on the screen is going to make you feel physically sick to read.  So, one day you don't test because you're wallowing and then before you know it you're stuck in a vicious circle.


Diabetes is unforgiving and impatient.  It doesn't stop, even when you want to.  It doesn't care how sad you are, or how much you've got on your mind.  If anything, it tries its very hardest to make things more difficult.  If I want to run away, I can guarantee that the D is coming with me.  There's no shaking that devil off my back.


Sometimes you need a wake-up call, a bombshell to hit before you realise that ignoring the D isn't going to help you at all.  Mine came in the form of this:

An off-the-scale high reading?!  Confirmation that I need to get back on top of looking after myself.  No matter how bad things are, allowing my diabetes to go by the wayside is not the solution and never will be.


So here I am, taking each day as it comes, battling with the bad times, dealing with diabetes.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

My new room and home at University...

At my bedside.

My testing monitor and injections are in the black wrap.  GlucoTabs for in-the-night lows.  Monitoring diary to keep track.  Diet Coke because I love it!

 My mini-fridge in my room to keep my insulin supplies and Glucagen kit...

:)