Retinal Rage and Making Mistakes

Last week wasn't the best.  Unfortunately new-found knowledge managed to put a downer on the majority of my days.  I'm now ready to blog about it and perhaps vent my frustrations about the current circumstance regarding my diabetes.  Apologies in advance, just in case.


I try to maintain a positive mind-set about my diabetes.  I acknowledge that there are far worse diseases to have and much more unfortunate situations to be in.  I also respect that diabetes, when well managed, doesn't have to compromise your general health or lifestyle.  That's why it just about broke my heart when I received a letter to inform me that I have developed background retinopathy.


Being told this at the age of 19 isn't what I wanted to hear, to say the least.  I felt upset of course...so upset that I bawled my eyes out for about an hour.  Most of all I felt angry.  Angry that I'm 19 and I have background retinopathy, angry that I feel like I've tried so hard for 15 years to control my diabetes well, but more than anything else I was angry with myself for, what felt like, obviously not doing enough.


I find that there's a lot of guilt involved in diabetes.  I recently read a fantastic post from Meagan Esler at Diabetes Health that confirmed this to me.  I end up feeling guilty if my bg's are too high or too low or if my HbA1c isn't the percentage it should be and I feel guilty that my loved ones are affected by it almost as much as I am.  If I let it, the guilt surrounding my retinopathy could probably consume me.  I feel awful that I've allowed those ketones to even exist, let alone harm me.


So I spent a week beating myself up about this, but there has to come a time when you stop torturing yourself and give yourself a break.  I deal with the rollercoaster ride that is diabetes management every single day of my life.  Alright, so in the past 15 years there will have been days when I haven't carb counted correctly or I've accidentally given an insulin shot later than I should have done or I've eaten a chocolate bar or two.  Perhaps these mishaps are the causes of my background retinopathy - I'll never know for sure.


I refuse to live my life continually making myself feel bad.  Of course, I am making changes; I'm now trying harder than ever and making even more effort to ensure that my blood sugar levels are balanced.  I just think it's about time that we diabetics cut ourselves a bit of slack.  Why is it that so many of us end up, probably subconsciously, thinking that having diabetes deprives us of something that makes us all human?  No one is perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes and everybody is allowed to...yes diabetics, even you!

Happy 15th Birthday, Diabetes!

There it is - Date of diagnosis: 13th November 1996.  Happy Birthday 'D'!

Wow, 15 years old.  You're looking good for your age, Diabetes.  I only have a vague recollection of your birth, but since then I think we have created enough memories to last a life time.

We've spent some interesting time together over the years, you and I.  From hospital admissions, to lows on the tops of cliffs with no hypo treatment, to DKA, to emergency prescriptions.  It's safe to say that, with you around Diabetes, there's never a dull moment.

I won't be cracking out the champagne, blowing up any balloons or lighting any candles on a birthday cake, but I celebrate this day nevertheless.  15 years on from diagnosis and we're living pretty harmoniously.  You're part of me and you're here for the long-haul.  Here's to the next however many years...x

Dealing with Diabetes.

This is my first post in a while - DOC, I have missed you!  I'd like to thank everyone who has been checking my blog 'just in case'.  I'm back and I'm back for good.


I'm not going to lie, recently has been one of the strangest, most surreal and probably most difficult times of my life.  Along with the stresses and strains of leaving home and becoming independent, the unexpected passing of a loved one has impacted my ability to cope with my diabetes to a shocking degree.


Even as someone who is usually very dedicated to and knows all too well the importance of trying to keep on top of my diabetes care, once I had begun to neglect it, it wasn't long until things had spiraled completely out of control.


Currently, my life seems to consist of bouncing around between horrifically high and worryingly low blood sugar levels.  It gets to a point where you dread testing because you know the number on the screen is going to make you feel physically sick to read.  So, one day you don't test because you're wallowing and then before you know it you're stuck in a vicious circle.


Diabetes is unforgiving and impatient.  It doesn't stop, even when you want to.  It doesn't care how sad you are, or how much you've got on your mind.  If anything, it tries its very hardest to make things more difficult.  If I want to run away, I can guarantee that the D is coming with me.  There's no shaking that devil off my back.


Sometimes you need a wake-up call, a bombshell to hit before you realise that ignoring the D isn't going to help you at all.  Mine came in the form of this:

An off-the-scale high reading?!  Confirmation that I need to get back on top of looking after myself.  No matter how bad things are, allowing my diabetes to go by the wayside is not the solution and never will be.


So here I am, taking each day as it comes, battling with the bad times, dealing with diabetes.